As the holidays approach, plenty of couples think about marriage. That includes older couples with kids, accumulated assets and debts and previous marriages behind them.

That’s why marriages for older individuals require a specific sort of planning. For couples making another effort at marriage, a prenuptial agreement can either set the groundwork for a new and trusting relationship or reveal that money issues may prevent the marriage from working well.

It’s actually not the agreement by itself that makes the difference – it’s the way the couple gets the agreement down on paper. When two parties sit down to formalize a prenuptial agreement with their respective mediators or attorneys, it requires both sides to make full disclosure of their current financial situation and long-term money goals.

Prenuptial agreements can be considerably more complex for couples making a repeat trip down the aisle. Money issues are not just a matter of full disclosure between two people – in remarriage, they can affect a much wider audience including aging parents, siblings and children and ex-spouses from previous marriages. In some cases, there are sizable business and personal assets gathered before the upcoming wedding day that must be protected.

It is always wise to consult a financial advisor such as a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER ™ professional to set the ground rules for this process, though legal documents that hold up in court generally need review by respective family law and estate attorneys.

Here are the primary issues any remarrying couple should discuss ahead of a formal engagement:

Families first: Blended families bring their own financial complications. Indeed, if couples are bringing children from previous marriages into a blended family, it’s necessary to establish not only how they will be supported and educated, but also what percentage of the family assets they will be entitled to in case their biological parent dies. There may be alimony and other support arrangements already in place for ex-spouses and children from earlier marriages as well as elderly parents to support. All of these financial requirements need to be understood and spelled out beforehand.

Is there debt? And if so, how much?

The first money conversation should take place at a table with both sides showing their credit reports, savings, investments and debt figures – every dime. Both should start the process of talking about how that debt should be paid off – by the person who accrued it, or by both potential spouses. Couples also need to decide how they will handle debt going forward – jointly or separately.

What about investments?

If so, how will they be handled once the couple is married? Will these investments be held after the marriage is in joint tenancy? Are some of the investments promised to children, ex-spouses or other family members? From a tax or estate perspective, does it make sense to do anything specific with those assets before the wedding? And after the wedding – assuming debt is being dealt with – how will you maximize those investments?

What about company assets?

If one or both spouses run their own companies or partnerships, it’s a huge planning priority. That’s particularly true if other family members work for their respective companies. Depending on the size and complexity of the operation, some advisors might encourage couples to go through a formal valuation process of those assets to establish a base of wealth going into the marriage. A prenup could spell out who will get future percentages of those assets if the couple splits – this is particularly necessary if the goal is to keep the company in the hands of the founding family.

Handling daily expenses:

This is a universal question in any marriage, the first or the sixth. Couples need to agree on how they’ll share accounts and pay bills. The most common option is to create one joint account. Others work with three accounts – one joint and then one for each individual.

What about insurance?

Life, health, home, and disability – all coverage that singles hold separately needs to be reviewed and consolidated to make sure the couples and their families have adequate coverage after the wedding.

What about our estates?

Blended families with means produce a surprisingly complex estate picture. Engaged couples need to begin addressing this need before the wedding. A qualified estate attorney who understands the variety of estate issues affecting the assets, business issues and philanthropic commitments of blended families is a particularly good investment and can work with financial planners, tax attorneys and accountants to create an estate plan for the couple that makes sense and minimizes conflict among heirs.

What about retirement?

Retirement discussions go beyond money. Couples should decide how they want to live in retirement, whether they’ll continue to work and what will happen if one or both get sick. This is a particularly important discussion if one spouse is significantly older than the other and may retire years ahead. There needs to be a close look at what retirement assets have been accumulated by both parties and how they’ll be shared during the marriage and after the death of one or both of the spouses.

What about our tax status?

It makes sense for couples to consider their tax status before they marry, particularly if there are sizable business or personal assets being brought into the marriage or past tax liabilities. In any event, remarrying couples should involve a tax expert in all pre-marital financial planning.

March  2010 — This column is produced by the Financial Planning Association, the membership organization for the financial planning community, and is provided by Martin V. Higgins, CFP, CLU, AEP, a local member of FPA.

By Srikumar Rao

We drove upstate from Manhattan for a while, parked, and headed out into the forest. The first two hours were just fine.

We had an enjoyable late lunch. I didn’t want to litter, so I put the empty root beer bottles back in my pack, and we set out again. It was not so fine after that. My shoulders ached. My arms felt as if they were dropping off.

Finally, I discarded my inhibitions about littering along with the root beer bottles. I found out “who did it” in the thriller because I finished it after lunch, but I never discovered why the upright, aristocratic family disintegrated after two generations. I paid a fine for both “lost” books. And somewhere in the Adirondacks, a four-hour hike from I-95, nestled in the hollow of an evergreen’s roots, is a white casserole dish with a bright blue flower motif.

I understand why experienced hikers pay hundreds of dollars for super-strong, lightweight rope and a tent that weighs a pound less than another brand. You don’t want to carry any extra stuff on a long journey when you’re on your own. The manager of the space shuttle program cheerfully forks out tens of thousands of dollars to lop a few ounces off the payload and considers it money well spent.

You too are on a long journey and are on your own. It is called life. You came into it alone, you will depart it alone, and in between — even though you may be surrounded by others — you are essentially alone.

The mental detritus that you insist on carrying around on this journey is every bit as enervating and debilitating as the physical stuff that slows you down on a long hike.

A marriage counselor I know was speaking about the reasons couples split up. “The number-one reason they are unable to come to terms is that they never let go,” he explained. The wife remembers in startling detail, including dates and times, all the sarcastic remarks her mother-in-law has made. She cites all the times her husband has forgotten birthdays, spoken slightingly of her friends, disparaged her efforts to beautify their home.

The husband recalls, equally accurately, the number of times she has prevented him from going to a game he really wanted to see, the friends she froze out of his life, and the numerous occasions she “had a headache.” “Crap happens in every relationship,” the counselor went on. “The ones who survive are the ones who can drop it, clean up, and move on.”

You also are carrying heavy burdens, and the odds are quite good that you don’t even recognize it. Is there a colleague at work whose presence fills you with distaste and a feeling of dread? Do you find yourself reacting viscerally to a relative? Do you “know” that a meeting your boss has called is going to be a total waste of time? Are there people who rub you the wrong way, social situations that make you uneasy, tasks that bore you to death?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then you’re bowing under the weight of your load.

“Whoa!” I hear you say. “This is just knowledge. I didn’t create this stuff. I merely recognized it.” This is a common reaction. A jerk is a jerk. When you have had many experiences of the “jerkiness” of an individual at work, it is easy to label him a jerk and treat him as such.

But I am not really concerned with that individual. I don’t even care whether he is or is not a jerk. What matters is the feeling you have toward him. The groaning expectation when you meet him that the interaction will be distasteful. The dread you feel beforehand. That is the burden you carry. That is the sum total of the experience that you have not let go.

It is possible that at least some of that person’s “jerkiness” comes from the prison in which you’re holding him — and yourself. The Pygmalion effect has been well documented. In one study, teachers who were told that randomly selected students were “very bright” developed expectations that those students would perform at high levels. Lo and behold, they did far better than their peers. Other researchers have found similar effects in a variety of settings. Your expectations do affect the outcome you observe.

Watch a baby gurgling happily and chugging milk from his bottle. Now take the bottle away. He screws up his face and bawls. He turns red. There is no doubt at all that he is really angry. Now give his bottle back. In seconds, he is back to a state of contentment as he drains the bottle.

Babies know how to let things go. When they are angry, they are angry. When they are sad, they are sad. When they are finished playing with a toy, they are done with it. They don’t carry anything around. Each thing that happens to them is something new to be experienced in the moment.

Your problem is that you carry stuff around. Over time, the accumulation becomes burdensome indeed. Drop it.

Drop the Useless Baggage You Carry Around

Are there troublesome people in your life? The next time you meet one, forget the history. Don’t expect that the interaction will be unpleasant. Expect that it will be delightful, and if it isn’t, then let it go. Don’t carry it over to the next time you meet.

Do the same with unpleasant situations. Note how many times your existing expectations sour your experience. Consciously drop the past. It’s hard, but with practice, you will get the hang of it.

[Ed. Note: This essay is an excerpt from Dr. Srikumar S. Rao new book, Happiness at Work — Be Resilient, Motivated, and Successful, No Matter What. Visit www.srikumarsrao.com for more of Dr. Rao’s articles and to buy the book. You can also follow him on Twitter: @srikumarsrao.

And for more practical – but life-changing – strategies like the one you just learned, check out Dr. Rao’s Personal Mastery Program. Dr. Rao can help you tap into your hidden potential to achieve personal and professional success and boost your spiritual well-being.