As the holidays approach, plenty of couples think about marriage. That includes older couples with kids, accumulated assets and debts and previous marriages behind them.

That’s why marriages for older individuals require a specific sort of planning. For couples making another effort at marriage, a prenuptial agreement can either set the groundwork for a new and trusting relationship or reveal that money issues may prevent the marriage from working well.

It’s actually not the agreement by itself that makes the difference – it’s the way the couple gets the agreement down on paper. When two parties sit down to formalize a prenuptial agreement with their respective mediators or attorneys, it requires both sides to make full disclosure of their current financial situation and long-term money goals.

Prenuptial agreements can be considerably more complex for couples making a repeat trip down the aisle. Money issues are not just a matter of full disclosure between two people – in remarriage, they can affect a much wider audience including aging parents, siblings and children and ex-spouses from previous marriages. In some cases, there are sizable business and personal assets gathered before the upcoming wedding day that must be protected.

It is always wise to consult a financial advisor such as a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER ™ professional to set the ground rules for this process, though legal documents that hold up in court generally need review by respective family law and estate attorneys.

Here are the primary issues any remarrying couple should discuss ahead of a formal engagement:

Families first: Blended families bring their own financial complications. Indeed, if couples are bringing children from previous marriages into a blended family, it’s necessary to establish not only how they will be supported and educated, but also what percentage of the family assets they will be entitled to in case their biological parent dies. There may be alimony and other support arrangements already in place for ex-spouses and children from earlier marriages as well as elderly parents to support. All of these financial requirements need to be understood and spelled out beforehand.

Is there debt? And if so, how much?

The first money conversation should take place at a table with both sides showing their credit reports, savings, investments and debt figures – every dime. Both should start the process of talking about how that debt should be paid off – by the person who accrued it, or by both potential spouses. Couples also need to decide how they will handle debt going forward – jointly or separately.

What about investments?

If so, how will they be handled once the couple is married? Will these investments be held after the marriage is in joint tenancy? Are some of the investments promised to children, ex-spouses or other family members? From a tax or estate perspective, does it make sense to do anything specific with those assets before the wedding? And after the wedding – assuming debt is being dealt with – how will you maximize those investments?

What about company assets?

If one or both spouses run their own companies or partnerships, it’s a huge planning priority. That’s particularly true if other family members work for their respective companies. Depending on the size and complexity of the operation, some advisors might encourage couples to go through a formal valuation process of those assets to establish a base of wealth going into the marriage. A prenup could spell out who will get future percentages of those assets if the couple splits – this is particularly necessary if the goal is to keep the company in the hands of the founding family.

Handling daily expenses:

This is a universal question in any marriage, the first or the sixth. Couples need to agree on how they’ll share accounts and pay bills. The most common option is to create one joint account. Others work with three accounts – one joint and then one for each individual.

What about insurance?

Life, health, home, and disability – all coverage that singles hold separately needs to be reviewed and consolidated to make sure the couples and their families have adequate coverage after the wedding.

What about our estates?

Blended families with means produce a surprisingly complex estate picture. Engaged couples need to begin addressing this need before the wedding. A qualified estate attorney who understands the variety of estate issues affecting the assets, business issues and philanthropic commitments of blended families is a particularly good investment and can work with financial planners, tax attorneys and accountants to create an estate plan for the couple that makes sense and minimizes conflict among heirs.

What about retirement?

Retirement discussions go beyond money. Couples should decide how they want to live in retirement, whether they’ll continue to work and what will happen if one or both get sick. This is a particularly important discussion if one spouse is significantly older than the other and may retire years ahead. There needs to be a close look at what retirement assets have been accumulated by both parties and how they’ll be shared during the marriage and after the death of one or both of the spouses.

What about our tax status?

It makes sense for couples to consider their tax status before they marry, particularly if there are sizable business or personal assets being brought into the marriage or past tax liabilities. In any event, remarrying couples should involve a tax expert in all pre-marital financial planning.

March  2010 — This column is produced by the Financial Planning Association, the membership organization for the financial planning community, and is provided by Martin V. Higgins, CFP, CLU, AEP, a local member of FPA.

By Srikumar Rao

We drove upstate from Manhattan for a while, parked, and headed out into the forest. The first two hours were just fine.

We had an enjoyable late lunch. I didn’t want to litter, so I put the empty root beer bottles back in my pack, and we set out again. It was not so fine after that. My shoulders ached. My arms felt as if they were dropping off.

Finally, I discarded my inhibitions about littering along with the root beer bottles. I found out “who did it” in the thriller because I finished it after lunch, but I never discovered why the upright, aristocratic family disintegrated after two generations. I paid a fine for both “lost” books. And somewhere in the Adirondacks, a four-hour hike from I-95, nestled in the hollow of an evergreen’s roots, is a white casserole dish with a bright blue flower motif.

I understand why experienced hikers pay hundreds of dollars for super-strong, lightweight rope and a tent that weighs a pound less than another brand. You don’t want to carry any extra stuff on a long journey when you’re on your own. The manager of the space shuttle program cheerfully forks out tens of thousands of dollars to lop a few ounces off the payload and considers it money well spent.

You too are on a long journey and are on your own. It is called life. You came into it alone, you will depart it alone, and in between — even though you may be surrounded by others — you are essentially alone.

The mental detritus that you insist on carrying around on this journey is every bit as enervating and debilitating as the physical stuff that slows you down on a long hike.

A marriage counselor I know was speaking about the reasons couples split up. “The number-one reason they are unable to come to terms is that they never let go,” he explained. The wife remembers in startling detail, including dates and times, all the sarcastic remarks her mother-in-law has made. She cites all the times her husband has forgotten birthdays, spoken slightingly of her friends, disparaged her efforts to beautify their home.

The husband recalls, equally accurately, the number of times she has prevented him from going to a game he really wanted to see, the friends she froze out of his life, and the numerous occasions she “had a headache.” “Crap happens in every relationship,” the counselor went on. “The ones who survive are the ones who can drop it, clean up, and move on.”

You also are carrying heavy burdens, and the odds are quite good that you don’t even recognize it. Is there a colleague at work whose presence fills you with distaste and a feeling of dread? Do you find yourself reacting viscerally to a relative? Do you “know” that a meeting your boss has called is going to be a total waste of time? Are there people who rub you the wrong way, social situations that make you uneasy, tasks that bore you to death?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then you’re bowing under the weight of your load.

“Whoa!” I hear you say. “This is just knowledge. I didn’t create this stuff. I merely recognized it.” This is a common reaction. A jerk is a jerk. When you have had many experiences of the “jerkiness” of an individual at work, it is easy to label him a jerk and treat him as such.

But I am not really concerned with that individual. I don’t even care whether he is or is not a jerk. What matters is the feeling you have toward him. The groaning expectation when you meet him that the interaction will be distasteful. The dread you feel beforehand. That is the burden you carry. That is the sum total of the experience that you have not let go.

It is possible that at least some of that person’s “jerkiness” comes from the prison in which you’re holding him — and yourself. The Pygmalion effect has been well documented. In one study, teachers who were told that randomly selected students were “very bright” developed expectations that those students would perform at high levels. Lo and behold, they did far better than their peers. Other researchers have found similar effects in a variety of settings. Your expectations do affect the outcome you observe.

Watch a baby gurgling happily and chugging milk from his bottle. Now take the bottle away. He screws up his face and bawls. He turns red. There is no doubt at all that he is really angry. Now give his bottle back. In seconds, he is back to a state of contentment as he drains the bottle.

Babies know how to let things go. When they are angry, they are angry. When they are sad, they are sad. When they are finished playing with a toy, they are done with it. They don’t carry anything around. Each thing that happens to them is something new to be experienced in the moment.

Your problem is that you carry stuff around. Over time, the accumulation becomes burdensome indeed. Drop it.

Drop the Useless Baggage You Carry Around

Are there troublesome people in your life? The next time you meet one, forget the history. Don’t expect that the interaction will be unpleasant. Expect that it will be delightful, and if it isn’t, then let it go. Don’t carry it over to the next time you meet.

Do the same with unpleasant situations. Note how many times your existing expectations sour your experience. Consciously drop the past. It’s hard, but with practice, you will get the hang of it.

[Ed. Note: This essay is an excerpt from Dr. Srikumar S. Rao new book, Happiness at Work — Be Resilient, Motivated, and Successful, No Matter What. Visit www.srikumarsrao.com for more of Dr. Rao’s articles and to buy the book. You can also follow him on Twitter: @srikumarsrao.

And for more practical – but life-changing – strategies like the one you just learned, check out Dr. Rao’s Personal Mastery Program. Dr. Rao can help you tap into your hidden potential to achieve personal and professional success and boost your spiritual well-being.

David Bly

Nobody Owes You Anything: From Gardener to Entrepreneur

The average Nicaraguan is born in a shack with a dirt floor. He earns less than $15 a week.

“E,” my gardener in Nicaragua, does much better than that. But he is still, by U.S. standards, poor. Since I am in daily contact with E when I’m there, I often think about how I can help him earn more money. He wants more material goods — and who can blame him, when he sees how “well” we gringos live (in person and on television)?

Several years ago, I was tempted to give him the few thousand dollars it would have taken to make his house one of the nicest in the hamlet where he lives. But I knew from experience that it would do him no good. It would go as quickly as it came. Given money always does.

Worse, it would reinforce the very bad idea that money comes from me to him, instead of from his own labor and ingenuity.

Because I wanted E to have a nicer house and because I wanted him to understand that money represents something of value (hard work, enterprise, etc.), I gave him the opportunity to do some extra work for me.

Since he was already being paid for gardening, I told him I’d pay him considerably more on a per-hour basis than what he was making on a salary — but to earn it, he had to work in his spare time and develop more valuable skills.

He began by learning to paint and do a little carpentry. Then he learned how to do a bit of plumbing and electrical work.

About two years ago, we switched from hourly pay to job-related pay. This gave him the chance to learn how to estimate his time and write up bills and keep receipts and even to negotiate (with me!).

Today, he has the house I would have liked to give him years ago, but he got it with his own efforts. It wasn’t a gift, and he knows it.

He’s also used some of his extra earnings to build and stock a little store that sits in front of his house. His wife works there. It provides his family with a second income.

In his transformation from gardener to entrepreneur, E faced an obstacle that was greater than his lack of skills.

E went to grammar school (the only school they had) during the Sandinista years. The Sandinistas, to remind you, were Communists — so E was taught two very dumb ideas about wealth:

• Everyone is entitled to an equal share of it. (“To each according to his needs.”)
• Those who have more than others should give it up. (“From each according to his means.”)

These ideas move very quickly into thoughts like:

• “It is the responsibility of my government to take care of me.”
• “It is the responsibility of my boss and the business I work for to make me secure and financially successful.”

When E met me, the path to wealth was through Michael Masterson because Michael Masterson, his boss, had the money that E wanted. He didn’t want to have money like me. He wanted to have my money.

He saw money as a static thing. He believed that there was just so much of it in the world, and the only way to get some for himself was to get it from someone else. Since I was the only wealthy guy he knew, it made perfect sense for him to base his strategy for growing rich on “101 ways to talk Michael Masterson into giving me money.”

It is a very good feeling to know that E doesn’t feel like that anymore. I am still his biggest client, but he has done fix-it jobs for other homeowners in our community — and he has the extra income from his store.

Wrongheaded ideas about wealth are not unique to Communist countries. They exist in every country of the world, including the United States.

• Some people think they are entitled to be taken care of by the government. The result: They spend their time applying for government handouts.
• Others think that all the profits of a company should be distributed to its workers. The result: They’re never happy with what they earn.
• Still others think that no one is entitled to have more money than they have. The result: They keep trying to get people they know to give them some of theirs.

None of that will make you wealthy. In fact, it will make it harder for you to acquire wealth. Every minute you spend thinking about or asking for money you didn’t earn is a minute wasted and a bad habit reinforced.

Becoming wealthy in America s not difficult if you are willing to work for it. Anyone who is willing to do what E did can enjoy a much higher income and, eventually, financial independence.

It starts with recognizing that you are responsible for your own future. You must reject every idea that is about acquiring wealth for free. That includes blaming others for your situation — however bad it may be.

The next step, as E learned, is to acquire financially valuable skills. For him, that meant painting and carpentry at first — and later, the basics of owning a business. You probably already have a financially valuable skill — something you know how to do better than just about anyone else you know. You can build on that by acquiring marketing skills. And then management, negotiating, and the other skills that made E the successful entrepreneur he is today.

But to begin, you must overcome inertia. Inertia is the enemy of every worthwhile goal.

Inertia is the reason you can’t find the time to start developing the skills that will bring you financial independence. Or the reason you start, get busy… and then forget about it. Inertia is every excuse I have ever heard from people who return to ETR’s wealth-building bootcamps year after year and tell me why they haven’t yet started turning their dreams into reality.

Inertia is the problem, and there is only one way to overcome it. That way is to take action. Some significant, positive action that will get you going, even if you are not now sure exactly where you want to go.

The Internet abounds with self-help and wealth-building programs that can guide you along the way. (At ETR, we like to think that we offer some of the best.) If you have done nothing else so far, invest in one of these services today and get started on applying the lessons you learn.

And here is where the circle connects: Action is the key, but action won’t happen until you decide that you are responsible for your success.

So repeat after me:

“My parents owe me nothing.”

“My children owe me nothing.”

“My friends owe me nothing.”

“The world owes me nothing.”

“I — and no one else — am responsible for my success.”

The best estate planning begins early and is usually sparked or adjusted by major transitions in life – when a marriage is beginning or breaking up, when a baby’s on the way, or when a major career change or inheritance increases an individual’s assets or the assets of an entire family.

It’s important to coordinate financial planning with estate planning because what you do with your money today will have a direct impact on the estate your heirs will receive years from now. It all starts with basic spending and planning goals. Here’s a general road map to that process:

Start with a trained financial planner: Whether you plan to stay single, remarry or move in with a new partner, it’s good to get a baseline look at your finances as early as possible before estate planning can begin. A CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ professional can help you review your new current spending and savings needs, compare strategies to achieve long-term goals, such as college and retirement and give you critical tools to protect your assets and loved ones if you die suddenly.

Talk with a trained estate attorney about wills and other critical documents: True, there are software programs and other kit solutions available to write basic wills, powers of attorney and certain simple trust agreements. These packages offer short-term

savings but have the potential for greater costs in the long run if you choose the wrong

package or fail to follow all instructions to the letter. It makes more sense to coordinate

your financial planner’s activities with an estate attorney who can tailor an overall estate plan specific to your needs. Even if you are very young with few assets, get some solid advice in this area so you’ll be able to manage and adapt such planning as you age and your finances get more complex. It’s usually a good idea to revisit your estate plan every five years or whenever you have a major life change.

Make a guardianship game plan for your kids: It’s not enough to plan how money and assets will go to your children if you or your spouse die suddenly or are incapacitated. If your children are minors, it’s particularly important to make sure you and your spouse have a guardianship plan for their upbringing as well as any assets they may inherit. You should give your chosen guardians a road map on how to handle the assets you leave behind. You should also ask your proposed guardians before you name them, while you still have the chance to name someone else if your first choice is unable or unwilling to carry out that responsibility. If there are any trust or wealth issues that will become effective for your children once they reach adulthood, it’s important to establish an efficient legal structure, such as a trust created under your will for distributing those assets A trust under your will would name a trustee who can train and guide your kids through that financial transition.

Plan for kids who have special needs: If one of your children is disabled and is expected to need lifetime assistance of some type, then you should consult a qualified attorney to help you create a special needs trust. It will help protect your child from having to give up any public or social financial assistance as well as access to special doctors, medical help, specific prescriptions or treatments that could be taken away if they were to personally inherit assets that would disqualify them for these programs. When such assets are held in a properly designed special needs trust, they are not counted as the child’s assets. The advantage is that those trust assets may still be used to support their housing or other personal living needs.

Get solid insurance protection in place: If you are married or are single with a child to care for, you really should consider purchasing insurance that will cover any eventuality. Not only will adequate life insurance benefit your family, but you and your family will also benefit from adequate health, property/casualty and disability insurance. If you’re newly single, you need the best health coverage you can afford for yourself and your kids, but life, property, liability and disability insurance becomes doubly important, particularly if you failed to address those needs during the divorce. Even if your ex-spouse is cooperative with financial support, it’s wise to insure yourself as if they weren’t. A qualified financial planner should be able to review those options in detail.

Review all your investments for primary ownership and beneficiary information: While you are married, appropriate designation of property as separate, joint, or (if applicable) community property can provide legal, tax and asset protection advantages. In a divorce situation, even if you were advised correctly to change the names on assets you and your spouse were dividing between yourselves, you should perform a post-divorce to review that the ownership names and beneficiary designations are indeed correct on those assets. And most importantly, to make sure all beneficiary information is correct.

Plan for multigenerational issues: For individuals and couples with elderly parents and/or young kids starting out on their own, it might be smart to do a multi-generational estate checkup at the same time. Why? Because in families with significant assets or other pressing financial issues involving businesses or dependents, each generation’s wishes for the dispersal of shared or personal assets should be documented legally and shared with all the relevant parties. In some families, this may mean the future of a multigenerational family business, perhaps one of the most complex estate issues any family will face. For other families, the assets may consist mainly of cash, property and other investments, but similar problems can occur when all the parties aren’t on the same page about who will get what, how and when they will get it, and who is in charge during the process.

Activate trusts and other estate transfer mechanisms: It is surprising how often estate attorneys and other people in the advisory process fail to get their clients to actually title assets in the name of living trusts and other mechanisms to transfer wealth. It’s not enough to set these mechanisms up – get step-by-step instruction on what needs to be done to make them effective.

Make sure your health and financial representatives know your wishes: Often people tell a close friend or relative that they have been given power of attorney over health and financial decisions of a loved one, but there’s no further effort to share those wishes or show them what their legal documents specifically instruct them to do. Both sides should go over this information as soon as the person agrees to be the other’s representative.

December 2009 — This column is produced by the Financial Planning Association, the membership organization for the financial planning community, and is provided by Martin V Higgins, CFP,CLU, AEP, a local member of FPA.

As the holidays approach, plenty of couples think about marriage. That includes older couples with kids, accumulated assets and debts and previous marriages behind them.

That’s why marriages for older individuals require a specific sort of planning. For couples making another effort at marriage, a prenuptial agreement can either set the groundwork for a new and trusting relationship or reveal that money issues may prevent the marriage from working well.

It’s actually not the agreement by itself that makes the difference – it’s the way the couple gets the agreement down on paper. When two parties sit down to formalize a prenuptial agreement with their respective mediators or attorneys, it requires both sides to make full disclosure of their current financial situation and long-term money goals.

Prenuptial agreements can be considerably more complex for couples making a repeat trip down the aisle. Money issues are not just a matter of full disclosure between two people – in remarriage, they can affect a much wider audience including aging parents, siblings and children and ex-spouses from previous marriages. In some cases, there are sizable business and personal assets gathered before the upcoming wedding day that must be protected.

It is always wise to consult a financial advisor such as a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER ™ professional to set the ground rules for this process, though legal documents that hold up in court generally need review by respective family law and estate attorneys.

Here are the primary issues any remarrying couple should discuss ahead of a formal engagement:

Families first: Blended families bring their own financial complications. Indeed, if couples are bringing children from previous marriages into a blended family, it’s necessary to establish not only how they will be supported and educated, but also what percentage of the family assets they will be entitled to in case their biological parent dies. There may be alimony and other support arrangements already in place for ex-spouses and children from earlier marriages as well as elderly parents to support. All of these financial requirements need to be understood and spelled out beforehand.

Is there debt? And if so, how much?

The first money conversation should take place at a table with both sides showing their credit reports, savings, investments and debt figures – every dime. Both should start the process of talking about how that debt should be paid off – by the person who accrued it, or by both potential spouses. Couples also need to decide how they will handle debt going forward – jointly or separately.

What about investments?

If so, how will they be handled once the couple is married? Will these investments be held after the marriage is in joint tenancy? Are some of the investments promised to children, ex-spouses or other family members? From a tax or estate perspective, does it make sense to do anything specific with those assets before the wedding? And after the wedding – assuming debt is being dealt with – how will you maximize those investments?

What about company assets?

If one or both spouses run their own companies or partnerships, it’s a huge planning priority. That’s particularly true if other family members work for their respective companies. Depending on the size and complexity of the operation, some advisors might encourage couples to go through a formal valuation process of those assets to establish a base of wealth going into the marriage. A prenup could spell out who will get future percentages of those assets if the couple splits – this is particularly necessary if the goal is to keep the company in the hands of the founding family.

Handling daily expenses:

This is a universal question in any marriage, the first or the sixth. Couples need to agree on how they’ll share accounts and pay bills. The most common option is to create one joint account. Others work with three accounts – one joint and then one for each individual.

What about insurance?

Life, health, home, and disability – all coverage that singles hold separately needs to be reviewed and consolidated to make sure the couples and their families have adequate coverage after the wedding.

What about our estates?

Blended families with means produce a surprisingly complex estate picture. Engaged couples need to begin addressing this need before the wedding. A qualified estate attorney who understands the variety of estate issues affecting the assets, business issues and philanthropic commitments of blended families is a particularly good investment and can work with financial planners, tax attorneys and accountants to create an estate plan for the couple that makes sense and minimizes conflict among heirs.

What about retirement?

Retirement discussions go beyond money. Couples should decide how they want to live in retirement, whether they’ll continue to work and what will happen if one or both get sick. This is a particularly important discussion if one spouse is significantly older than the other and may retire years ahead. There needs to be a close look at what retirement assets have been accumulated by both parties and how they’ll be shared during the marriage and after the death of one or both of the spouses.

What about our tax status?

It makes sense for couples to consider their tax status before they marry, particularly if there are sizable business or personal assets being brought into the marriage or past tax liabilities. In any event, remarrying couples should involve a tax expert in all pre-marital financial planning.

November 2009 — This column is produced by the Financial Planning Association, the membership organization for the financial planning community, and is provided by Martin V Higgins, CFP, CLU, AEP, a local member of FPA.